Random

Who am I trying to kid? ‘I hope to get round to it in the next couple of days’… as usual it’s taken me a whole week to drag myself back to the keyboard, suffering from the worst curve-ball of all, a stuffy nose. Yuk. And what is more the accompanying itchy eyes and wheezing make the doctor think I am allergic to something. Uh-oh. The dog is the prime suspect of course but I am hoping that it might turn out to be something less controversial such as tree pollen. If it’s dust, of course, I am stuffed; there is no way I can muster a dust-free home no matter how much I need to. Although at this moment I think I would do anything to stop my sinuses from feeling like they are about to burst through the front of my forehead. So for now I’m on industrial strength anti-histamines and bronchodilators and looking forward to the hilariously named ‘Prick Test’ (steady on) which should reveal the true culprit.

Meanwhile I thought I had better respond to Dazza’s latest tag before he writes me off as a total failure so here are 7 ‘random or weird facts’ about myself.

1. I get cramp in my tongue. I do also get it in more normal places like my feet and calves but you wanted the weird stuff. I believe it proves that I am in fact a quiet and shy sort of person whose tongue cramps from under-use rather than the gobby cow whose tongue is trying to silence her so it can get some rest.

2. I handed in my dissertation for my degree 3 days after the deadline, despite having had over a year to get it done. And the reason? (not the one I gave my tutor of course, he thought I’d had flu) - Lemmings. It was a dippy computer game which required you to guide a crowd of mindless little green-haired creatures across an obstacle strewn landscape without them all throwing themselves off any cliffs. I was hooked; I hold my hands up to it. Whenever I sat down at the computer to work on my ‘diss’ my hand automatically passed over the floppy disk storing a year’s worth of study (this is some time ago, can you tell?!) and headed straight for the Lemmings instead, assuring myself that it was actually exercising my brain trying to work out the best route across and which little guys to sacrifice off the cliff for the greater good. And I have the gall to berate my son for his Sonic dependency? Shame on me.

3. I am a recovering Trekkie. (This is becoming a confessional.) There was once a time about 5BC (Before Children) when I couldn’t sleep unless I had watched at least one episode of ‘The Next Generation’, of which I have the full collection. On VHS cassette. It takes up half a wardrobe. I am better now thank goodness. I am not sure how I'd fit any Klingons on my starboard bow given my current schedule, coupled with the fact that Nobby can't stomach Star Trek so any indulgence has to be strictly Sulu, I mean solo. I have occasionally succumbed while the kids are at school but I can actually go a whole fortnight or more without a fix. And I bought ‘Voyager’ on DVD so it only takes up a small cupboard...

4. I detest conflict. What I mean is I hate arguing. Not just doing it myself (and not because I can’t) but watching other people argue and fight brings me out in unbearable cringing and makes me want to go and hide. I can’t watch any of those confrontational programmes like Jerry Springer, Oprah or even Watchdog where they righteously challenge rogue traders with evidence of their villainous behaviour on our behalf, like charging bewildered housewives £200 to change a washer. In the heat of the moment I am that bewildered housewife; I can only think of what I should have said 10 minutes afterwards by which point I have probably lost face and lost money. I do all my complaining by email or letter as my face, neck and décolletage always give away my inner torment by turning a disgusting shade of crimson if I attempt to berate someone in person. I have to say my game is improving somewhat since the children came along, after all I did muster that spectacular rant for Mr Bonfire (who came and apologised yesterday by the way…! you could have knocked me down with a feather!) And I do a much better job when I am drunk, as Nobby will testify.

5. I am scared of moving tractors. If you’re ever walking down the road with me (or like Nobby once was, cycling down a country lane) and a JCB approaches, particularly if it’s sporting a scoop or other digging paraphernalia, be prepared to watch me dive down the nearest man-hole so it won’t ‘get’ me. What can I say? There was an incident in my childhood, my Mum probably can’t even remember it, but the damage is done. I am a wuss.

6. I once saw Belinda Carlisle without her slap on. Whatever she pays her make-up artist, it isn’t enough.

7. I went to Uni with a chap called Michael Jackson. He was blonde and liked Frank Sinatra. I never met his parents but I bet they were a hoot.

In the words of our garrulous American friends, go figure. Here endeth today’s revelations.