No, you don’t lose weight running around after the children.

I read an article in the paper last week which said that entertaining kids all day for weeks and weeks during the long summer holidays has been driving some women to drink. Well I haven’t hit the bottle just yet (well not tonight so far anyway) but I can identify with what they mean. It’s taking all my powers of creativity to keep the little beggars occupied so they’re not knocking the crap out of each other or slowly baking their brains in front of the TV or computer. I didn’t realise how easy I’d had it while we were on holiday but now there are no grandparents around and Nobby is back at work (lucky b*stard) it’s becoming a real test.

I have had some success with ‘junk modelling’ - using old food packets and cardboard boxes to create new and interesting toys (also known as the miser’s free alternative to Playmobil with the added bonus that you can chuck it away when the little darlings have had enough it after 5 minutes rather than filling the house with overpriced moulded plastic that nobody plays with). Pickle especially loves it as it appeals to his ‘inventing’ streak and Poppet likes to join in when all the work is done and she can move her toys in and make up stories. So far this week we have made a rocket ship for Boo-Boo Bear (and his side-kick Baby Boo-Boo) complete with space helmets and rocket-packs followed by a two-storey bachelor pad for their visits home to planet earth. Poppet muscled in on the ‘cottage’ with some of her dollies who, having no interest in exploring the universe, have taken up residence as squatters in the spare bedroom with a Fruit Joy frozen lolly box for a bed. Pickle couldn’t decide between Uncle Ben’s Rice or Atora Suet as the best packet for a wide-screen television so he’s opted for the wall projector cinema screen instead and stuck a huge picture of Batman on the wall. (He’s definitely not invited next time we go to Curry’s)

But really the main problem with my two is still bedtime and it’s not the ‘going to bed before the sun’ excuse any more. They just don’t want to stop playing. Poppet was messing about with her Barbies until 2am last night, even though Nobby and I went turned in at midnight. I don’t know where she gets the energy from – or why nocturnal Barbie games have to involve so much loud singing. And then the monkeys get up at 8am the next day to start playing all over again; ‘Lie-in’ is not in their vocabulary. In a bid to wear them out in the fresh air this evening we all went out for a bike ride after tea. I know that I am pretty exhausted myself after hauling myself plus a bike with a 20kg child on the back of it up the huge hill to the cycle trail. But I’m not sure it’s really done it for the kids, I can still hear them up and about in their rooms and it’s nearly 10pm.

A bike ride seemed like such a great idea of Nobby’s as we are both feeling the pinch a bit after over-indulging on the English fair last week. I could have done without Poppet’s running commentary from the child seat though as I limped up the interminable hill: ‘why are you going so slow Mummy?’, ‘why are you breathing so hard, Mummy?’, ‘why are we stopping again?’. YES! I am out of shape. I’ve been dreaming up all sorts of alternative reasons why my tummy isn’t quite fitting into my jeans any more. Perhaps it’s a phantom pregnancy? Or chronic water retention? But I think I need to face facts that I’m porking up. Hence the strenuous bike ride and the ‘slimming knickers’, à la Bridget Jones, that I dug out of the drawer this morning. (Sexy.) It’s not looking good for basking on the beaches next week; some do-gooder might decide I’m a whale and try to roll me back into the water. As luck would have it I did catch part of a revolutionary dieting TV programme on some obscure slimming channel at my Mum’s last week. Paul McKenna was telling an audience full of the dimensionally-challenged that they should eat what they want, when they want but stop when they are full. There was more to it than that I think and he was going to use some of his hypnotism techniques to help with cravings and addictions but, strangely enough: I fell asleep!

Dammit, looks like it’s the gym for me.