What’s it all about?!!!

There are several things bothering me today. Not least of which is why-oh-why it takes me weeks at a time to get back to the keyboard for some therapeutic ranting on my Blog. But I am also pondering the following; perhaps you can help (answers on a postcard etc).

Firstly, why do I get Spam websites opening up every 2 minutes when I log on to my computer, whether I block pop-ups or cookies or not – and what is a cookie anyway? Why can’t they call these things after stuff that won’t make me hungry, like pebbles, or mothballs or something? And who out there in the ether looks at my email and Blog activities and decides that I need the latest information on internet dating and last minute flights to Dubai anyway?

And why can’t I get through my to-do list AT ALL no matter how I plan to fit it all in? I have started several tasks towards getting us ready to move house but they are now lying all over the house half finished so that I still can’t tick them off the list yet. Maybe it’s because every session at the computer takes twice as long as I close down all these extra windows offering me cheap porn and cheaper car insurance? I did say ‘sod the immigration questionnaire’ but that was only supposed to be for the night and I still haven’t done it.

Here’s another thing: why have the children chosen to adopt two scarab beetles from the forest as pets? Are they trying to motivate me into getting the rabbit they keep banging on about by sitting on the sofa letting nasty little creepy crawlies climb up their arms whilst cooing fondly to them and giving them names like Fred and George??? I’m sorry, they may be small and harmless (apart from the plethora of revolting germs they must be sporting having been rolling around in all the crap on our local forest floor) but frankly the only beetles you’ll ever find me anywhere near have four wheels and a distinctive VW engine noise. Why won’t they just accept my simple yet compelling excuse that we already have a dog and dogs eat rabbits?

Also, why don’t my childhood toys and games seem as much fun this time round? Poppet just got into ‘French skipping’, which was a favourite of all the girls in my school back when I was seven. We would raid our mums sewing boxes for every morsel of elastic we could get our hands on, tie them together into the biggest possible loop then take votes on who would be the suckers standing with it wrapped round the backs of their legs while the others all jumped in an out of it. These days of course ToysRUs have cottoned on to this line of business and the new generation will not stoop to using ordinary knicker-elastic like we did. It has to be at least five metres long, softly coated to protect those bare ankles, rainbow coloured and costing a ridiculous amount from the toy shop. Luckily Poppet got hers for her birthday and I was initially really up for giving it another go several decades on to see if I could still manage ‘kneesies’ and ‘thighsies’. Somehow it’s just not as appealing as it used to be though, but the weirdest thing is the déjà vu of having a dominant playmate who only really wants me to act as one end of the loop while they perfect their own moves to impress their friends in the playground. That is exactly what used to happen to me with one little ‘friend’ in particular who would invite me round for the whole afternoon just so I could stand opposite a wheelie bin and watch her skip. Fortunately here in France we have 2 wheelie bins so I am off the hook and Poppet can do her thing without me.

One kid ‘thing’ I am enjoying is ‘the sleepover’. Not when they come here of course – Poppet had a friend to stay on Sunday night and I swear I lost half a kilo running up and down the stairs to yell at them to shut up and go to sleep. But tonight it’s her turn to stay with her friend so I only had one kiddie to put to bed, and it was the easy one because Pickle will at least admit when he’s tired and take himself off without too much trouble.

Meanwhile, Nobby and I now have a shared obsession, and no, I haven’t suddenly ‘got’ football and he hasn’t suddenly fallen in love with ‘Friends’. Someone asked me what he would like as a leaving present from his French team before he moves on to Hungary and I suggested a Nintendo DS with the Brain Training programme. Inspired! But now I can’t wrestle it away from him to do my daily training and my brain was down to 28 years old yesterday, the selfish old thing. Pity my body is feeling slightly older, as proven by the monstrous bruises I am modelling since my final jujitsu session on Saturday which consisted of a demonstration in the village square in front of my fellow residents. I was fighting a girl young enough to be my daughter and considerably shorter than me but she nevertheless managed to splat me so hard I am still sore now. With it being the end of the year there was a little BBQ afterwards which was very pleasant. All I’ll say is we put away an impressive amount of wine, these hard-core black-belts got as mushy as drunken teenagers when it was time for me to leave and bid them adieu for the final time, and it was a good job there were no police around on the drive home.

My final rant for the day is why, why why is Dr Who about to regenerate??!! I could not believe the end of that last episode where a Darlek got him with a lucky shot and they’re going to replace David Tenant with another bloke. It just isn’t right; he’s the best Dr Who since Tom Baker (and now I am really giving away my age…) I am dreading Saturday night to see who they replace him with. If I don’t like him I may have to renounce my love affair with science fiction and go back to my knitting. Sob.