News at Ten

I am somewhat in the doldrums today. I so wish the Doldrums was an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean but in all reality it’s just a suburb of Gloom in the vicinity of Dismal. Besides, Its Nobby who gets to do all the travelling these days, he’s the veritable Scarlet Pimpernel lately poor thing. He’s only home long enough to chuck one load of shirts in the wash and pack up another before he’s off again. Poppet even told him off about it the other night: ‘Daddy, I’m very cross with you. You’re never home!’ And I am run so ragged that I wasn’t even home myself last time he came back from a week away so now my own name is Mud. I have a to-do list as long as the Bayeaux Tapestry but I’m not feeling terribly motivated. To put it in Blackadder terms, I’m as weary as a dog with no legs that’s just climbed Ben Nevis. I am learning to hate the end of the school year with all the shows and fetes and trips to keep track of. Poppet is on another one today and I know the perky, perfect Mummy she deserves would have made her packed lunch the night before instead of racing round like a headless chicken ten minutes before school-time, throwing Weetabix down throats with one hand and whipping up a healthy picnic with the other. But that Mummy lives elsewhere I fear. And she probably isn’t also juggling a house-move, a birthday party for 20 six-year-olds and a leaving do, with the mountain of associated jobs those three keep vomiting into her lap.

I could whine on all day but for the benefit of my time-pressed readers and in the interests of ticking at least one item off today here are the headlines.

BONG! I am allergic to Ash trees. No, not ashtrays, Ash trees. I had the hilariously named ‘Prick Test’ last week following on from the episode I had back in March (see how long it takes me to catch up with myself?) and the result was very clear. So I looked out for the culprit at home only to find that I am in fact surrounded on all sides by Ash trees here. They flank the house, the neighbours have at least 2 each and they are everywhere in the forest. Thankfully the buggers only pollinate for 2 months per year and now I am forewarned I can stock up on appropriate drugs ahead of time – just don’t expect much sense out of me in March and April from now on, I’ll be the one floating by in a cloud of nasal spray..

BONG! Talking of nasal, Rose broke her nose. Seriously, this is not a Dr Seuss joke. She was playing tennis and hubby hit a high one which came down hard on her raised racket and smacked it into her face. She now claims she looks like Stephen Fry. Her children reacted much as mine would: her little girl ran to the bar to get napkins and ice to stem the pouring blood, her boy just rolled his eye skywards and said ‘Daddy, will you play tennis with me?

BONG! I can get E4 on satellite all of a sudden. You know what that means? Friends!!! Two episodes a day, every day of the week. Now I have my own obsession to compete with Nobby’s football compulsion. I can’t get a word out of him while 22 blokes are kicking a bit of leather around but now he’s getting a similar response when 6 people are chatting on a sofa in Central Perk. Ha!

BONG! I got through a play-date with next doors twins without committing any murders. They’ve recently grown extremely fond of Pickle and call for him constantly through the fence. They can’t actually see through the fence to check if he’s there so they just call and call, sometimes for half an hour at a stretch. The parents and Nanny never say a word but on occasion it has driven me to hiding in the house with all the windows and doors closed to shut the beggars out. So my latest strategy is just to send Pickle over to play, in the hope that he’ll break something thereby encouraging the parents to train the boys to shut up and not invite him round. However I thought is was only fair to have them here for an hour or two in exchange, what am I like? Last time they spent ten minutes here they left an hour’s worth of tidying up behind them. But I am relieved to report it was a total success – thanks to a pile of chocolate crepes and a baby gate across the back door.

BONG! Pickle came first in the sack race at Sports Day. He also got 2^nd place in his other three races so he is very proud of himself. I love watching him run – luckily the races are all in a straight line because he runs with his head turned sideways checking up on all the other runners rather than looking at the finish line. I wonder where that competitive streak came from?!

BONG! The kids have trained the dog to jump up onto the trampoline. She hasn’t mastered bouncing on it yet but its early days.

Well, that’s about all I can muster for now folks. I am going to crawl into my hammock this afternoon and forget about all of it. Sod the removal inventory, sod the insurance documents and sod the immigration questionnaire. I am on strike.